As the newly arrived snow begins to blanket the Holly tree outside my window, I find myself reflecting. Recent events have brought me face to face with the ugliest part of my Shadow Self; the part of me that behaves just like the worst of my mom’s behaviors. That’s a hard one to own.
The worst of my mom was a mean-hearted, snippy bitch who seemed to undermine my sisters and me to our friends at the most embarrassing moments. I exhibit the snippy bitch part anytime I feel too overwhelmed, frustrated and not in control.
Those within close proximity better duck or be caught in the blast of Queen Snippy Bitch at her finest. Hello Mom in me. It’s time to dance the healing dance of self-love, appreciation and above all, forgiveness.
This morning, I also recognized a core pattern of near paranoia that those I loved were sabotaging me behind my back. In my world, the emotions we live in, whether recognized or not, are like radio signals vibrating at a certain rate. The signal we output can only receive input from like vibrational signals. Put out fear, get fear back.
As I followed the pattern energetically like a timeline back through my life, I found incidences where, indeed, someone I had considered a trusted friend was spreading vicious rumors behind my back. I had completely forgotten about that incident!
Worse, though, is fearing that behavior is happening when it really isn’t. Seeing life through the filter of those I love as my saboteurs is a very unpleasant place to be. I don’t like it.
So here I sit staring at this rather melodramatic me in the mirror of my mind. Now that I see it for what it is, I forgive and let go. I forgive Mom. I forgive my seventh-grade friend and the more recent ones. Most of all, I forgive myself, especially for fearing the pattern where it didn’t exist. I forgive Queen Snippy Bitch, too. She can be very intense, but she’s never boring!
Feeling all of these long-hidden emotions is hard work. And there are tears as my heart breaks open in awareness of loved ones I’ve hurt in my misguided delusions.
I realized today that there are three kinds of tears; sad ones, joyous ones, and the ones that are born from the very depths of our wounded souls. They are the cleansing ones. Like the falling snow covering my neighbor’s roof, they leave a pure, white, stillness behind. I feel an open-hearted, compassionate, softness toward me I’ve never felt before.
It’s like being emptied and then refilled with something new and delicious. I like it.