Author Archives: beyondmd aka Heartblaze
Have you ever had one of those moments when you suddenly realize your life is completely different from what it was a few short years ago because you are completely different? If you haven’t, would you like to know how you can?
Below is a post I recently shared with my fellow Energy Psychology (see disclaimer at the end of this post) students about how my life has changed in the three years since I’ve been studying and using these techniques in my own life. At times, my physical hurdles and resultant depression seemed insurmountable. I struggled many times with hopelessness.
Yesterday, the difference in my life pre and post tapping (one of the best-known energy medicine techniques) crystallized in one giant aha moment. I felt such awe I had to share my thoughts with my classmates, which I’m reposting here. I also refer in my post to the study work I’m doing with Dr. Joe Dispenza. One of his books is called, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I highly recommend it if you are serious about living a happier, more vibrant life no matter your circumstance. I’ve copied my FB post to my classmates here:
I was just writing in my journal and had such aha’s as a direct result of last weekend (a one-day workshop in Seattle, WA with Dr. Dawson Church, director of EFT Universe and author of The Genie in Your Genes, and Dr. Joe Dispenza) that I thought I would share my thoughts with you.
I will attempt to be brief but there is so much. I already posted about the frustrating experience trying to pump my own gas (Oregonians don’t have to pump their own) on our way home after the workshop. What amazed me was that because my vibration had been so high, I instantly felt the cortisol rush through my body as my frustration and near panic (gas tank was on empty and the pump said my debit card was invalid). Never have I felt it that distinctly before. Boy, did I tap that down fast!
It took me two full days of total bed rest to recover from the weekend. Actually, that is a huge improvement. With my mitochondrial condition, a few years ago it would have taken at least three or four days to recover from being that far below my fatigue threshold. Even though it was very high energy, it was still above my energy expenditure threshold for any one or two consecutive days.
But today is a whole new day! The productiveness was astounding and more akin to what I was able to accomplish in a normal day ten years ago! I was alert and energetic from the moment I got out of bed until we ended the live call earlier this evening.
You have no idea how miraculous that is to someone who arrived at her first class for EFT Level I and II certification in a wheelchair. I haven’t used my scooter since I left that class in 2015.
Just a month ago, concentration and sustained energy long enough to sit at the computer for more than a few hours at a time happened only three days a week, if that. It took me one to two years longer than most to complete my certification studies as a result.
I’ve been improving very slowly, but steadily, these last two years or so. However, the recent sessions I’ve had with fellow EPC students combined with last weekend’s workshop has changed everything.
I marvel at the dramatic changes I’ve made as I sit in the dusky, evening light-filled living room with gentle music playing, candles burning on the sills of rain-spotted windows, a glass of water with crystal infusions in it vs. a glass of wine, and feeling totally joy-filled as I write these words to you. What a beautiful day!
I may be sixty, but I feel I’m just getting started. I cannot wait to see what the future holds. As more and more people unleash their true potential by clearing away limiting beliefs, we can create a world where happiness, harmony, and cooperation become the order of the day, regardless of our circumstances. Contact me so we can explore how this can work for you, too.
You can also follow this link to the latest research: http://tappingqanda.com/2017/04/pod-266-latest-scientific-research-eft-w-dr-peta-stapleton/
Here is Dr. Dispenza’s information: https://kripalu.org/presenters-programs/presenters/joe-dispenza
Follow this link to learn more about Dr. Dawson Church and EFT Universe: http://www.eftuniverse.com/certification/dawson-church-phd
You can find me on my practitioner page by following this link: http://www.eftuniverse.com/practitioners/glenda-rueger-payne
Please note: I am not a licensed clinical therapist or psychologist. These techniques are not meant to replace your current medical team. They are simply a great, self-help complement. In Oregon, I can’t use the word psychology or healing in my business name or description of my work. Energy Psychology is the name given to a set of energy techniques that offer clients amazing results in becoming the best version of themselves possible.
I recently filled out a Medicare survey. I found it impossible to convey all I needed to say by completing the form. Hence, I included this letter in the return envelope. Will it do any good? I doubt it. Still, I have a voice and if I can inspire others with similar thoughts, then maybe we can become a combined voice for change.
I don’t know who to address this letter to. I need to give more information on my relationship with doctors than can be found by filling in some boxes on a survey form.
My current doctor is the best AMA trained doctor I’ve ever worked with. However, spending 10 minutes in a follow-up appointment leaves no time for true connection or to address the emotional concerns every patient has, especially those with chronic conditions.
I have a rare medical condition for which there is currently no treatment (meaning there is not an expensive pill with ridiculous side effects causing more harm than the purpose for which they are prescribed – Seriously, do you listen to the subtext of side effects in every drug ad?) yet discovered that will improve my condition. The best therapies for cases like mine are alternative treatments, which you currently don’t pay for or only pay under such restrictions that their effectiveness is undermined.
I can no longer see my favorite doctor who stood by my side through five grueling long years of suffering before any AMA trained doctor ever took my symptoms seriously enough to search for an accurate diagnosis. That doctor was a naturopath who went way beyond the call of duty to make sure I was taken care of. Medicare does not cover NDs. A costly mistake for all in my opinion.
So far, Medicare does not give alternative practitioners the same benefits afforded to AMA trained doctors. Based upon my experience, when traditional doctors can’t find a proper diagnosis, they blame the patient. How does that decrease stress, which is top of the list of killers in America today? Aren’t the patients the real reason they are being doctors in the first place? Hmm, maybe not for all, but it sure is for my ND.
I had one doctor tell me the only reason I was passing out with activity was that I needed a breast reduction. She said if I just “pushed through” I’d be fine. It’s hard to “push through” when you’re curled up on the floor unable to breathe and fighting blackout. Another one blamed my childhood trauma and prescribed Ativan.
While I concur that childhood trauma played a factor, they offered no help other than “head meds.” The correct diagnosis was a rare form of a rare disease having to do with faulty mitochondria causing muscle weakness, shortness of breath and collapse with activity.
Five years is a long time to wait for support from the medical community when your life has fallen apart. I wanted/needed help. A forced medical retirement at the age of 54 because I could no longer work was devastating. My current neurologist finally found the diagnosis, for which I am grateful. But he is not interested in me as a person. He doesn’t have time to be.
I want to go back to my ND who opened her office to treat me on her days off, who took the time to reach out to other doctors across the country. She referred me to OHSU where I eventually was taken seriously enough to get an accurate diagnosis. She was there for me every step of the way until Medicare kicked in forcing me to stop seeing her.
Not only was I scoffed at and invalidated by traditional doctors when I tried to explain the severity of my symptoms, I was treated as a lazy person who just wanted to mooch off of the system. Eventually, I sought out, found and trained in one of the best stress-reducing, emotionally supportive, simple to use techniques I’ve found called EFT. http://www.eftuniverse.com/
I’ve heard stories like mine from countless others who suffered for years before finally getting the help they needed. I was scooter dependent before EFT. Now, I only need to use my cane when I’ve walked too much and am in danger of leg collapse. Do alternative therapies work? YES! Should they replace traditional approaches? NO! Should they be included as part of a comprehensive care plan? Abso–freakin–lutely!
I would appreciate the American medical system returning to a more balanced approach to healthcare. Insurance companies have inserted themselves between the patient/doctor relationship so it seems it is up to you to decide to support complementary alternative medicine equally.
I hold a vision that the doctors of the future will be able to do more than prescribing drugs with horrific side effects as the only treatment option. The best model I see now for an integrative healthcare system is Kaiser Permanente and some of the cancer treatment centers. I hope one day Medicare will follow that lead if Medicare still exists at all in the future.
The switch to supporting these kinds of treatments has to come from you, the insurance companies who pay for treatments. Disabled people like me can’t afford them on their own, and I am living proof that they work. So is my husband who nearly died from military-related PTSD for which drugs and traditional therapy did not help.
I contend that if we focused more on paying for alternative therapies equally alongside conventional ones, your coverage costs would decrease immensely. But I doubt it will happen in my lifetime because corporations can’t make money on a prescription for meditation.
It seems to me we’ve lost the basic rule of medicine, which is to do no harm. Profit rules everything these days. But I wasn’t born to be fodder for the greedy. I am a human being made of spirit and emotions as well as a physical body. My health is dramatically impacted by my relationship with all aspects of myself.
A truly good doctor needs to be able to address the whole me and offer practical help – not just scribble a drug name on a prescription pad and send me out the door. The current healthcare system seems more interested in keeping us sick and dependent upon prescription medication than to offer anything of long-lasting value to a thriving lifestyle. That is a crime in my opinion.
I’m not saying all prescription drugs are bad. I’m saying we need to include alternative options equally to really offer quality care. Vision with me for a moment: I walk into my doctor’s office for my scheduled appointment. It is not just my doctor’s office, but a complementary alternative medical complex housing everything I need for optimal body/mind/spirit health in one location.
While I wait, there are soothing nature scenes with relaxing, ad-free musical scores to soothe my nerves and relax my body. I would be able to see my stress coach, my massage therapist, my ND/MD all in one place and all covered under the same healthcare insurance. Classes for yoga, Tai Chi, nutrition and other health-supportive activities would also be available on-site.
I would leave my doctor’s office feeling invigorated and plugged back into the natural vitality of life instead of feeling more confused and depressed than I was when I arrived. Before my diagnosis, leaving confused and angry was the usual result of a doctor’s visit. I prefer a healthcare system which helps me to thrive in spite of my diagnosis! If this letter serves to be a voice for change, then that’s a good thing.
For more information on complementary alternative medicine, please follow this link: https://nccih.nih.gov/
A BOLD ADVENTURE IN FINDING PURPOSE, DISCOVERING THE REAL YOU AND LOVING FULLY
Reviewed by Glenda Rueger Payne
Glenda Rueger Payne is an author, EFT and Core Shamanism practitioner specializing in caregiver and patient support for chronic and terminal illness.
When I review a book, I am not shy about marking the book to death. I highlight important passages and make notes to myself in the margins regarding whatever the author said in that line that I found really inspiring.
I had pen and highlighter ready as I turned to page one of this boldly honest, dare you to drop all pretense and really begin living life from your core, instruction adventure written by Author Kute Blackson. He tells his story through reflections upon his personal experiences as well as sharing his client’s experiences as they follow him on what he calls, “Liberation Experience” adventures in India or Bali.
Within the first few chapters, a strange thing began to happen. At first, the page margins were covered in black ink and nearly more words were highlighted than were not. If you pick up my copy, you will notice that toward the latter chapters there are nearly no highlights and the margins remain pristinely clear.
Is this because there were no more gems of wisdom and inspiration to be discovered? Au contraire, it is because if I continued on in my usual manner, there would be no words remaining clean of yellow ink and no more room in any of the margins. Instead, there are full pages marked with, “Wow!”
How far are you willing to go to drop all of the false personas keeping your true soul expression hidden? Would you travel to India or Bali to receive Kute’s life lessons? His gift is studying the moment to see what wisdom it offers. Life itself become the teacher. As you wind your way to unknown destinations through poverty-stricken areas, you have no choice but to confront all of the ways you keep yourself small and hidden.
Communing with the beauty of Bali, your heart softly opens. Transformation happens. Kute leaves no opportunity for avoidance. Trusting his well-honed intuition, he helps help you melt into your authentic self.
Would you stand with Carlos and Kute on the banks of the Ganges learning how to master your own thoughts by watching the local children? Or dive from a 40′ cliff with Jennifer into the river below shedding limiting beliefs on the way down? These clients took the risk. They learned how to break through the barriers of their old thought patterns. Their reward was to come face to face with the reality of their own souls and all it wishes to express in this world.
Kute delivers wisdom gems on nearly every page with the kind of creative inventiveness I most love in writers. He breaks the rules of grammar with such deliberate intent that the power of the message has no choice but to bore its way straight into your heart.
Kute’s clients are very successful business men and women who supposedly have everything we’ve been taught to believe will make us happy. Yet, they come to him because they feel empty inside. Can you find yourself in that statement? If so, Kute will be your very strong guide through the unknown territory of your own soul. Kute says, “You simply being your authentic self fully is the greatest gift you can give the world.”
Whether you embark upon an adventure with Kute via physical airplane to exotic destinations or simply by the turning the first page in this powerful, boldly honest work, you will find yourself looking into the mirror of your own soul. Ask yourself, “Am I living all that I can live?” Am I loving all that I can love?” If you are ready to find out, I dare you to turn the page and start finding the true adventure that is the real you!
As the newly arrived snow begins to blanket the Holly tree outside my window, I find myself reflecting. Recent events have brought me face to face with the ugliest part of my Shadow Self; the part of me that behaves just like the worst of my mom’s behaviors. That’s a hard one to own.
The worst of my mom was a mean-hearted, snippy bitch who seemed to undermine my sisters and me to our friends at the most embarrassing moments. I exhibit the snippy bitch part anytime I feel too overwhelmed, frustrated and not in control.
Those within close proximity better duck or be caught in the blast of Queen Snippy Bitch at her finest. Hello Mom in me. It’s time to dance the healing dance of self-love, appreciation and above all, forgiveness.
This morning, I also recognized a core pattern of near paranoia that those I loved were sabotaging me behind my back. In my world, the emotions we live in, whether recognized or not, are like radio signals vibrating at a certain rate. The signal we output can only receive input from like vibrational signals. Put out fear, get fear back.
As I followed the pattern energetically like a timeline back through my life, I found incidences where, indeed, someone I had considered a trusted friend was spreading vicious rumors behind my back. I had completely forgotten about that incident!
Worse, though, is fearing that behavior is happening when it really isn’t. Seeing life through the filter of those I love as my saboteurs is a very unpleasant place to be. I don’t like it.
So here I sit staring at this rather melodramatic me in the mirror of my mind. Now that I see it for what it is, I forgive and let go. I forgive Mom. I forgive my seventh-grade friend and the more recent ones. Most of all, I forgive myself, especially for fearing the pattern where it didn’t exist. I forgive Queen Snippy Bitch, too. She can be very intense, but she’s never boring!
Feeling all of these long-hidden emotions is hard work. And there are tears as my heart breaks open in awareness of loved ones I’ve hurt in my misguided delusions.
I realized today that there are three kinds of tears; sad ones, joyous ones, and the ones that are born from the very depths of our wounded souls. They are the cleansing ones. Like the falling snow covering my neighbor’s roof, they leave a pure, white, stillness behind. I feel an open-hearted, compassionate, softness toward me I’ve never felt before.
It’s like being emptied and then refilled with something new and delicious. I like it.
I recently attended a Winter Solstice gathering that included both Pagan and Christian participants. I felt inspired to write this blog post from the ceremony we celebrated together at that event.
In the old religion of per-Christian times, the people were dependent upon Nature for their survival. Thus, cultivating and maintaining a positive and very intimate relationship with the earth and Her changing seasons was their primary focus. The Solstices and the Equinoxes were honored with ritual followed by celebration and feasting as Christians do with church services and scrumptious dinners after.
The Winter Solstice marks the time when the sun is reborn as the days begin to grow longer. Both Yuletide and Christian celebrations have similar intent, which is to honor the birth of Light – one tradition welcomes the return, rebirth, of the Solar Sun and the other welcomes the birth of the Light on earth in Jesus as the Christ – son of God. Sun/Son.
The Old Ones would burn candles in every window of the house beginning on Solstice Eve to welcome the first rays of the returning Sun at Dawn. Villagers would gather in the town center by the Yule Fire. Fire is very much a symbol of new life and light for the coming growing seasons, as well as purification of what no longer serves. I know of those who bake a birthday cake for Jesus, complete with candles, which they blow out in honor of His birth.
In Europe, many Christians still honor the old ways of honoring the changing seasons. The church I attended in Salt Lake City incorporated the same ceremony of release and sow into their annual New Year’s Eve celebration that we shared together at the gathering. Through the dark season, we turn our attention to the garden of our lives and reflect over the past year.
The Winter is the dark time when it is appropriate to rest more and prepare the soil of yourself with prayerful intent for what you want to harvest in your life. Embrace the darkness within so you can transmute it with Light. But to get to the Light, we must endure the long dark night. Just as we pull the weeds in our garden, we must pull the weeds in our own souls. What habits or situations no longer serve our highest good? It’s a good time to release these with prayer and ceremony and cultivate what we want to accomplish in the coming year.
I was raised as a Christian. Yet, like the blood of my ancestors flowing through my veins, I have had a particularly strong affinity with Nature. I have, indeed, felt guidance and support in the whispers in the wind. My life feels more balanced and complete when I mark the changing seasons with celebration and feast.
Consider the book of Job 12:7-10:
“7” But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky and they will tell you
“8” or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you.
“9” Which of these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this?
“10” In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.”
When I think of the Nativity Scene, I mark that even the animals came to the manger to bow down and worship the Christ child. So for me, it is not a question of worshiping Nature instead of Christ, but of worshiping the Divine embodied in Christ alongside Nature.
Since the bible acknowledges that even the animals came to witness the birth and we have many examples, such as the quote mentioned above and the example of God speaking to Moses through the burning bush, of the Holy speaking through nature. For me, it implies that Nature has an ability to recognize and worship the Holy. Therefore, Nature is sentient enough to be conscious and to worship. I do not choose one way of worship over another. As my European ancestors have done, I simply incorporate them together.
Winter Solstice is a time to let go of what no longer serves and a time to plant seeds of new growth and opportunity in the New Year. And of course, be it Happy Solstice or Merry Christmas, I rejoice in gratitude for the return of light in our outer world as the solar sun returns and the birth of Christ, Son of God, whose life and Light awaken our hearts.
As indicated in my earlier posts, I was forced into a medical retirement in December of 2010 at the age of 54. It took five years to finally get the diagnosis as I have a rare form of a rare disease called Mitochondrial Inclusion Body Myositis. The good news is that with the help of an Energy Psychology technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or tapping, I have been able to reclaim enough of my life and energy to become a certified EFT practitioner/stress coach. I particularly wish to work with those who have a chronic illness like I do and their caregivers. Below, please find one of my favorite case histories to get an insight into how EFT can relieve years of stress-related suffering. Please note: I am not a licensed healthcare worker and I do not diagnose or treat any physical or mental illness. I simply teach people how to get relief from the related stress. To view a short demo on what EFT did for me personally, follow this link
I want to note that since this demo was filmed, I have not used my scooter. Tapping has helped me manage my condition to achieve a much better quality of life.
On to the case study!
EFT releases a Blade of Guilt
By Glenda Payne
This client, I’ll refer to her here as Tabitha to protect her identity and confidentiality, has been working with a professional therapist for several years on anger issues. She was the only daughter of three children raised by alcoholic parents. On her client intake form she checked, “chronic relationship challenges, chronic pain, stress/anxiety depression and grief, low self-esteem and weight issues” as categories that she wants to work on.
She became disabled due to depression and Fibromyalgia in 1998. It took seven years for her disability to become approved and through further dysfunctional family dynamics, she developed PTSD making her health issues even more complicated.
When we began exploring specific issues she wished to work on that day she mentioned that she had a very close friend of nine years. But with all of the crises and subsequent stress she was under, they had a falling out and were unable to resolve the situation before her friend passed away.
As I was pondering what to approach first she said that after her friend passed away leaving their conflict unresolved, she began to feel as if there were a blade causing pressure and painful headaches. The blade began just to the left of her nose and ran all the way down to her groin.
She’s had brain scans because the pressure was severe at times and she had also developed an arrhythmia. Subsequent medical tests, including brain scan, showed no physical cause for the pressure and pain and her heart appeared normal and healthy.
So we started with this. First, I demonstrated all of the tapping points, including the finger points. I had her describe the blade in detail asking pointed questions about the color, shape, size and material that made up the blade. She described it as about an inch wide, going all the way through her body to her back. It was an iron gray color and felt like it was made of steel. I asked her to close her eyes and focus in on the blade. I told her to ask the blade if it has a message for you. I then said, “When I snap my fingers open your eyes and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.”
Her answer was, “STOP!” She said she did not know what it means. I asked her in general what the “feel” of the blade was as in protective or antagonistic. She said, “No, it feels like a wound.”
Before beginning round 1, I asked her how much she believed the statement, “I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” At this time, she was uncomfortable with the statement, “deeply and completely love myself.” So for this first session, we worked with simply accepting herself and her feelings.
Before starting to tap in round one she stated that her SUDs on the blade of guilt was 9. We used the setup statement, “Even though I have this wound from my head down to my groin and I accept myself completely anyway.”
Tabitha was very responsive to the tapping and after just one round her SUDs reduced significantly. We tapped on all of the aspects of the blade; the color, shape, size and the feel of the metal causing pressure in her body.
After two more rounds with her SUDS reducing by a point after each one, I had her close her eyes and connect with the blade pressure once again. I had her ask, “Are you friend or foe?” The answer was foe. I did some Reiki energy work around her head and upper torso. I then asked, “What do you want to have happen? Do you want this blade gone?” She replied, “Yes.”
I had her close her eyes again. I told her I was going to count from three to one and snap my fingers. “When I do, I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head. Three, two one snap!” Her first word was, “mom.” She giggled nervously and said, “That’s not what I was expecting.”
I then asked her to complete the sentence, “I accepted this blade because. . .” three, two, one snap! She replied, “Guilt!” I then asked her, “Where do you feel guilt in your body?”
We tapped thoroughly exploring all the aspects she could feel in her body when she focused in on the guilt and her mom. She was able to recall a specific childhood event when her Grandma punished her for sassing back to her mom, which she then felt guilty for doing. We ran the movie technique until she was able to view the scene all the way through with zero SUDs on all aspects of the event and on the guilt she felt after being punished.
As we reassessed after that round I asked her, “What do you feel now in your body?” It feels a lot better. Where is the blade? It’s down to a 2. We celebrated the 2 with a, “Yay!” and some applause.
She described that the blade had shrunken all the way down to just a spot that was coming out of her shoulder blades.
We did one more round on that spot between her shoulder blades. I then had her tune into the blade again. She reported that the blade was all gone and her SUDs was zero. I had her go back into the feelings she had about losing her friend before their conflict was resolved. She remained at zero SUDs.
I said, “Great! Now we are going to fill up the empty space with Light.”
We did the final round on, “Even though there is an empty space where the blade was, I choose to fill it up with Light.
Even though there is an empty space where the blade used to be….
There is nothing left
And in its place, there’s just the Light
I can access that Light anytime I need it
Always there and always available
I am filled with Light and I feel great
I feel great
At the end, she said, “WOW! It’s gone!” Her SUDs on (blade and guilt) was a zero. Her final SUDs on the pain, pressure and guilt was zero.
We discussed setting up future sessions and that she needed to drink lots of water and be gentle with herself for the coming week. I asked her to pay attention to how she was navigating in the world and notice what’s different. I gave her a homework assignment of daily connecting with the Light and visualizing it filling up the space and moving through. I told her to just let her feelings flow freely through her with full acceptance.
I checked back in with her at her following session and the blade was still gone! She had even “expected” it to return, but it never did! I am extremely pleased with the client’s results from this first session. She was very pleased at how quickly and easily things moved through. She felt calmer and more relaxed than she had in years. She was very excited to schedule more sessions.
Fifty Shades of Salt Lake
Who am I: A great grandma, grandma, step mom, sister, soul friend and wife; an extremely passionate, sensual woman who is still finding her way to wholeness even as she approaches her 60th birthday? Yes to all of that and so much more, as I am still discovering. I think all any of us ever wants is to know that we are seen, loved and accepted for who we are at the very core of our soul.
Tonight, I watched 50 Shades of Gray with my granddaughter (now mom to four children herself). I had never read the books or seen the movie so was not prepared for the depth of feeling watching it ignited within me. The spark was set to feelings already tender from returning as visitor to the city and a life I had escaped from 18 years ago.
There was a man in my life then who easily could have been my Christian had I been willing to go there. A 20 year on and off affair with him in a bizarre relationship too close to 50 shades of fucked up for my comfort. Leaving him and the children of my heart; my stepdaughter and her two children, which I helped raise from their infancy. It was like leaving an important piece of my soul behind. It has been joyously bittersweet to feel that part of me come alive again. Feelings of belonging as I have with this core family have found no equal since I left.
And the movie rekindled remembrance of one whom I once thought of as the man of my heart. I dreamed of converting our relationship from the twisted expression of fiery, but limited, sexual passion into a deep and abiding friendship. Unlike Christian and Anastasia’s long awaited morph into real family and deeper heart connection, I finally shut down all contact with him stating, “no more spice games for me, please.” For there can be no deeper wound than when you open your heart to someone only to be constantly relegated back into the position of “secret woman.” A bitter betrayal that came long after I thought we had moved way beyond game playing and into true and honest friendship about which there is neither shame nor need for secrecy.
There is little I find more difficult to abide than lies and secrecy. The fact that my Christian could not honor that in me meant he was not worthy of my time and I finally shut that door and threw away
I return in a little over one day’s time to the man I have been with for seventeen years and married to for seven. And this husband of mine whom I love dearly, deeply and passionately, and is one whom I would walk through fire with does not come easily into this deep space in my heart that belongs to my Salt Lake years. It has been fun reacquainting myself with the part of me who lived here then. The woman who was mom and grandma as deeply and sincerely as if these dear ones had been birthed from my own body; who was secret mistress to a player of a man in whose arms she had known no equal of pleasure. She will always mourn the loss of the deeper heart connection she once believed might have been between them had he been willing to trust her enough to explore soul as much as body.
So my 50 shades of Salt Lake chapter will soon come to a close. Will I once again sink only into the me who is wife to a soul wounded warrior struggling to find his own way to wholeness? And to the me who is friends with, but stepmom in legal name only to his kids? To the nearly 60 year old me whose compromised body simply cannot keep up with the demands of her fun loving spirit? I feel vibrantly alive here and I am loathe to lose that feeling.
Still, the current me found has found a whole new kind of passion with her husband. It is a passion that fulfills body and soul and is born on the surviving shores of devastating emotional tidal waves. I love my husband dearly with nectar that is made sweet from the ferment of our struggles. I will take that passion of the soul over mere passion of the body any day.
Still, as much as I love my husband and his family, I cannot say that I have ever felt that seen, honored and welcomed for who I really am as I do here with these beings from my former life. I hope that as I welcome back this Salt Lake part of me into my own heart that I will always feel that no matter where I am or who I am with that I am welcome, wanted and honored for who I am at the very core of my being. And wouldn’t it just be awesome if we all felt that way all of the time.
A throwback to the sixties title – I know! But I have to tell you something amazing I discovered in my personal healing work over this past week. You may have noticed my last blog post was a bit darker than usual. Since that post, I have been participating in Dawson Church’s Peak Performance Course. Dawson Church, PhD is a mover and shaker in the field of Epigenetic Medicine. His book, “The Genie in Your Genes” is full of ground breaking research in how our core beliefs and changes in our environment can actually turn our genes on and off. It’s way too much information to dispel in this short blog post, but check out this link if you’re intrigued:
So what’s this got to do with The Age of Aquarius? Well, I learned in my personal healing studies years ago that our core beliefs actually determine how we view the world and how we allow ourselves to show up in it; and they color how we show up in our relationships as well. I’ve used the photography analogy before, but it’s the best model for my point. In photography, using certain filters dramatically changes how you see what you see through the viewfinder.
Our core beliefs are the filters on the lens of our mind. Change the filter and everything you experience changes, too. Uncovering, shifting and healing core beliefs is actually one of the most thrilling experiences in life for me. What I discovered in the early nineties is that when I changed a core belief from, “no I can’t!” to, “yes I can!” my whole countenance changed. I brightened up, spoke up more and was more willing to express myself in the world with greater confidence than prior to uncovering the negative belief and shifting it to the positive one.
That said, it seemed that every time I started to reach any goals that would widen my sphere of influence in the world, I found a way to shut it down. I’d get sick, my “energy disease” as I call it, would rear its ugly head. I’d have to cancel one of my Reiki or Shamanic healing groups and ended up locked away in my room under the covers. I was “too tired” to be creative and write my book or start a new course or class focused on assisting others with their emotional healing journeys.
Keep reading. You’ll get the sixties connection in a bit. Through this work in Dawson Church’s Peak Performance course, I uncovered a most debilitating core belief. It was, “if I show up 100% in the world using my gifts and talents, me and the people I love will die!” Wow – how’s that for a, “sock it to me” core belief. It says, “showing up in the world is far too dangerous so don’t even try.” Pretty much a no-win for someone like me who feels driven to be a force for positive change in the world.
Now we get to it – why the sixties references? During my session with Dawson, I realized that a deep-seated core belief was born the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated. As I grew up, I watched every hero I had come to believe in who was striving to promote radical, positive change was subsequently killed. Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King and John Lennon were all my personal heroes. From watching these heroes that I so loved die, I had formed the belief that showing up in the world with radically different ideas and ways of expressing yourself is not safe. My subconscious mind decided that it’s far better to just get sick, instead. Of course, it follows that I developed a debilitating degenerative muscle disease to keep me and my loved ones safe. WHAT! No, thank you: I don’t want that one anymore! I worked with Dawson using EFT (emotional freedom technique) otherwise known as tapping. (link for more information on Tapping provided below)
This technique helped me uncover and release that debilitating core belief. At the end of our session, I couldn’t even make that statement anymore without laughing! Fears and tears just melted away. Only time will tell what will come of it, but here I am posting a blog about what many consider to be a radical new form of medicine, one that could absolutely shake up our current medical paradigm. I highly recommend checking out the works of Dawson, Joe Dispenza (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSdbrqdgKUE) and other leaders in this exciting new field.
I am already noticing that I feel much more positive, hopeful and energetic than I have for a very long time. So pardon me for shaking the dust off of my old, Age of Aquarius LPs, my bell bottoms and fringed vests. It’s the first time since those days of my youth that my outlook on life is not overshadowed by a dark cloud of doom – the idea that being a spokesperson for positive change will kill me. NOT! Yet, even in the worst case scenarios they may have killed the men, but they never killed the ideas they birthed into the world. Positive change happened anyway!
The sun is out and the Age of Aquarius is alive and well for me!
Follow this link for more information on tapping: http://www.eftuniverse.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=11472&utm_source=newsletter_479&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=peak-insights-what-if-you-could-not-fail
Note: I used a belief management system I was introduced to in the early nineties to change, “No I can’t!” to “Yes, I can!” here’s a link to more information on this program: http://avatarepc.com/html/Pillar2-Belief-Eng.pdf
Those of you who have been following my blog already know I’ve been struggling with physical issues for awhile now. I have a very rare degenerative muscle disease called Inclusion Body Miositis Mito. Today’s sharing is not to make you feel sorry for me. But to encourage all of you who are dealing with hopelessness and despair, no matter the reason, to reach out to someone and not let the darkness win. And keep reaching out and fighting until the darkness passes. For Robin Williams, the darkness did win. Obviously, you don’t have to be physically disabled to feel that sense of despair. But this is the story of how it is for me.
What my current life is like:
When I move my muscles become exhausted and just quit working. I fall down, can’t make it up even a small curb without difficulty and my chest muscles can’t expand/contract rapidly enough to accommodate even a short, brisk walk. The result is that they just freeze. I start gasping for air and black out. Simple activities such as hand washing dishes, standing in line at a public counter, pushing a grocery cart, etc. have left me in an embarrassed heap on the floor desperately gasping for breath and fighting blackout. I have to convince witnesses not to call 911 because there is nothing the emergency room can do for me. Been there – done that; about ten times until we all realized it was pointless and very expensive. The weird thing is that in a non-fatigued state I appear as healthy as anybody. I just don’t stay in a non-fatigued state for very long if I’m up and about.
I loved cooking fresh, healthy, gourmet meals but most days I can only manage to eat whatever is readily available.
I miss cooking every day.
I miss hiking.
I miss dancing.
I miss walking on the beach for as along I want to!
I miss the community of my co-workers.
I miss just being able to run out the door on a whim without thinking, “is the battery on my scooter charged?”
“do I have my cane?”
“will there be steps?”
“If I engage in this activity today, how many days of total bed rest do I have to allow myself to recover?”
“Do I have enough stamina today to complete the activity without collapsing?”
So that’s the upshot of my physical condition. Now, those who know me know that I am a very positive person. I work very hard to focus on the things I can do rather than what I can’t. I aspire to be a spiritual healer, encouraging and inspiring as many people as I can to learn how to rejoice in themselves and their life no matter their circumstances. I am just as passionate about sharing my gifts and talents in the world to the best of my ability today as I was pre-symptom.
I used to think that writing this blog when I have enough energy to be creative, which is not that often, and officiating at two weddings a month, facilitating/attending my spiritual support groups, etc. was enough activity to give me that sense of accomplishment and achievement that I find so vital to my emotional well-being. But after a week-long camping trip with friends at the coast showed me how much of the simple activities I enjoyed so much I’ve had to give up, I find myself fighting hopelessness and despair.
An acquaintance of mine once posted a saying on her FB page. It read something like, “I’m sure glad I work full time so you can be on disability and show up at the convenience store in your pajamas.” Wow – that was a punch in the gut. I wish I could work – but it’s difficult to explain to your boss that rest is absolutely mandatory and I can’t tell from one day to the next if I have enough stamina to last even for four hours, let alone eight. In a fatigued state, I can’t even read/write intelligently. My brain shuts down, too. I spend more days in bed than I do out of it. My wardrobe went from fun, business-casual to the pajamas that statement expressed as so offensive. I don’t go out in public in them, but if I had to have painkillers and did not have the energy to get dressed, I would. The day after Robin Williams died, I shared this post on my wall:
Please read that again and take it in. It’s important.
Today, in the aftermath of Robin Williams’ suicide, I recognize his motivation and desire to just be done with it all. I feel hopeless despair because there is no treatment and no cure for this degenerative muscle disease.
I feel tired – too tired to maintain my positive attitude. Too tired to create. Too tired to manage life. Too tired to write – except this blurb on my thoughts and feelings about being disabled and wanting to give up.
I feel limited, trapped and I HATE IT!
But, I am too stubborn to give up. I know when I need help and I am reaching for it. I know that I will find the sunshine behind my dark clouds again. I am no stranger to handling difficult and dark feelings. Oddly, the key is to allow yourself to fully feel them. It’s about going through them, not avoiding them. When you can’t do that alone, it’s important to find a professional who will help you. I’ve done that.
I will not let despair win. And I know that I am not the only one fighting for life right now. You don’t have to be disabled to feel trapped, isolated and unable to cope.
Please, don’t give up. Let’s vow to help each other remember the sunshine is always behind the clouds no matter how dark and stormy they get. If you have a rare medical condition or fight feelings of hopelessness and despair; first, I do encourage you to reach out for professional help. Second, will you please post a comment on your favorite coping skill? I’d love to read them.
Mine is to tell my mind to shut up and shift it to thinking of all of the things I’m grateful for. And right now, it’s to be honest about how I am feeling. I’m ok right now with owning that I feel hopeless, in despair and not sure what the point is to my life right now. And I can do that because I know that I have the help of a trained professional as my advocate. I have friends who love me, family who loves and supports me. I totally count my blessings. You don’t need strong legs for that! And for now, that’s enough of a reason to wake up tomorrow.
Please write by hand with pencils and pen rather than use a keyboard, because the hand and the body, and particularly the heart, is linked through handwriting in a way that is virtually impossible to preserve through writing with a keyboard.
I’ve heard rumors that our schools are no longer teaching longhand because texting and computer keyboards have made writing via pen and paper archaic. I say “rumors” because I have no school-aged children who would tell me firsthand.
In any case, I am wondering what losing the art of writing in longhand may eventually cost us? As the above quote from Richard Harvey, Your Essential Self1 indicates, writing in longhand keeps us more deeply connected with our deepest, truest self, our heart centers.
Why is that important? Our heart center is where connection happens. Feeling connected, in my opinion, is how we conquer war, greed, hunger and poverty. A news story covering any one of those sad topics is just a news story unless you are personally connected to the people whom the story features. And often, the personal connection to the tragedy leads to wonderful acts of heroism. How can you cause harm to someone or something you care about? Caring inspires healing. This is why honoring connection is my passion.
Ever heard the phrase, “living a heart-centered life?” In my experience the feelings of joy, love, compassion, and forgiveness all come from our feeling connected in our hearts, not our minds. These feelings are the very best of us as human beings and what living a heart-centered life is all about.
Have you ever seen the 1995 American fantasy film called Powder? It is about Jeremy “Powder” Reed, who has an incredible intellect, as well as unusual powers given to him when his mother was electrocuted while he was still in the womb. The electrical shock caused him to be born with powder white hair and skin – hence, the nickname, “Powder.” As stated on Wikipedia, “The film questions the limits of the human mind and body while also displaying society’s capacity for cruelty, and raises hope that humanity will advance to a state of better understanding.“
Advancing to a state of better understanding happens when we feel connected. My favorite movie moment from that film illustrates my point perfectly. In it, Powder’s paranormal abilities help a hunter to feel what the deer he shot feels as it’s dying. He created a powerful connection that forever changed the hunter’s life. He could no longer harm what he felt connected to.
The key, in my mind, to living harmoniously with each other and the earth is to feel deeply connected. That connection starts from within; from knowing who you are in the deepest core of yourself – your true self, your authentic self. I agree with Richard that writing by hand helps us to feel this connection more deeply. For me, note-taking in college helped me connect to the material and retain it far better than just reading from textbook alone. So if writing by long hand connects us more deeply to our inner realms and to who/what we are writing about, what exactly are we losing as keyboards replace pen and paper?
I encourage you not to let the art of handwriting die. Write in your journals, write a note to a loved one. Send a thank you note to someone – and take notice. If you felt a warm, fuzzy feeling as you wrote it, you created connection. Let’s keep it alive!
1Richard Harvey, (2013-07-01). Your Essential Self: The Inner Journey to Authenticity & Spiritual Enlightenment (Kindle Locations 473-474). Llewellyn Worldwide, LTD.. Kindle Edition.